Women's faults are many, men have only 2:
Everything they say and everything they do. |
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"How have you managed to buy
such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS
auditor. "Well/1 the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer 1
have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish
opened his mouth and said, ''I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the
sea and I''ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen''. I
threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?" "Well, you can see the
villa, can''t you?" |
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Question: How many
psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Just one ... but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change! |
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A guy stood over his tee
shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring
the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his
partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What`s taking so long? Hit the
blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. I know your uphill shots. You don`t stand a snowball`s
chance in hell of hitting her from here!" |
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One day, a
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds
after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M." |
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A husband looking through
the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It
read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he
accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband,
"It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?" |
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Why is psychoanalysis a lot
quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it''s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there. |
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My wife agrees that I do
indeed lead a "dog's life".
The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes
himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed." |
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Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they
just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the
hang of it. |
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Over breakfast one morning,
a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would
forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was
handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil
wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a
boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her
husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she
exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!" |
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While I was visiting my
sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a
miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.
As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.
"I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his
arm to get anything out of him." |
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One day my
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Auburn." |
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The man told his doctor that
he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife." |
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Before Marriage - - -
Boy: Yes.
At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don"t even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I"m not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling! |
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